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The Return: Let’s All Review Page One

September 18th, 2007 | CSFF, speculative fiction

Yesterday, I wrote my thoughts on The Return‘s front cover, back cover, endorsements, and stuff.

Today, I’d like to do a quick community review of page one.  As Camy Tang said recently, most readers give a book a page or two to hook the reader. She figures that’s about 20 seconds.

So, I turn this one on you all. Spend twenty seconds with Austin Boyd. What’s working here? What’s going to make an editor continue to read?

I’m not really looking for negativity. It’s easy to be an armchair critic. It’s not easy to do what Boyd has done–publish a good trilogy. Unless you’ve already accomplished that, let’s avoid trash talk. Instead, ask the harder questions.

What is Boyd doing well? Why was this first page published by NavPress? (I’ll pop in via comments if you guys take me up on this.)

Here’s page one:

Friday, February 21, 2020: Mars

THE SMALL POINT OF LIGHT moved toward them, an unhurried but relentless advance across a lifeless red plain. Not an out-of-the-ordinary sight on Earth, perhaps–a slow vehicle crossing the high desert. But this was Mars. And until moments ago, eight Martian astronauts, along with all of mankind, had thought those explorers were the sole living beings on this forsaken, desiccated planet.

“The glint’s still headed straight for us.” Rear Admiral John Wells, known to his crew as “Hawk,” pointed at the computer display, consternation knitting his brow. “At the current speed of advance, it’ll be here in three days. Tops.”

John heard the quickened breathing of the seven other astronauts gathered around him in the quiet of the Martian morning. Hemmed inside their tight cylindrical home, the crew formed a tense circle in the mission operations center of their laboratory module.

(You can read more of this excerpt online at Christianbook.com’s page on The Return. )


Viewing 17 Comments

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    Marcus

    Great idea! Thanks for asking for these comments. I hope you get some blunt criticism because it helps to hear what you all think. I strongly recommend a great book, "The First Five Pages" that lays out exactly your point, in detail. The opening of a book, and it's first five pages, make all the difference in whether an average reader will pick up the book... or keep reading.

    One technique I've used with success is to develop a team of 30+ readers who help review my first and second draft of the novel, before it heads to the publishing editor. They often find a problem that the author completely misses.

    Looking forward to your comments!

    Austin Boyd
    www.austinboyd.com
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    I like Mars. Maybe they do too?
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    Funny. No takers. I guess it is a little daunting.

    Austin, thanks for dropping by! You made my day. I'm loving the book, man. And I wish you had a blog where I could comment and interact. (But I realize not everyone can invest in blogging.) I will definitely look into the first five pages.

    L.L., I know you don't like Science Fiction! So your comment doesn't count.

    As for me, I like that hook of the vehicle detected from afar. The promise that we'll know soon what it is and that it will change everyone's understanding of the world.

    I like John's voice. His dialogue is fun, realistic, snappy, but also useful. I could do without the explanatory sentence in the middle of his dialogue, telling us his call name and such, but I recognize such techniques as typical for a threequel trying to jog the reader's memory.
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    typical for a threequel trying to jog the reader’s memory That's a good point, Mark.

    By the time I'd read the first two books, I didn't really care what page 1 of this one was about because I was already hooked.

    Trying to think like someone who didn't know the story of the other two, would this opening hook them?

    It certainly opens up some questions. I think I would have preferred more about the small point of light—maybe a stronger verb than moved so my first mental image meets with the idea of a slow vehicle.

    Apart from that, the thing that grabs me is, they're alone on Mars and another vehicle is moving toward them. YIKES!

    There are some minor editorial things I'd change, but not every editor agrees with every other editor, so there ya go. ;-)

    Becky
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    At least I could use this novel's first page to explain to my daughter what "science fiction" is (she happened to ask me today). See? It was good that I read the Mars bit. And did you know that there's a place in Chile that is as lifeless as Mars? And my daughter says if anyone ever wants to do a movie about Mars, they should go there. (Sorry, I seem to be getting off topic.)
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    I thought your regulars would jump all over this. But since not, here's my 2 cents worth.

    I like the first paragraph. It hooks the reader with intrigue and keeps him off balance with the incomplete sentences, short and long. Together this says (to me) something is wrong here. I stumbled a bit on the non- parallel words "unhurried" and "relentless." How can it be both? How can they even tell it's moving if it's 3 days away? More hooks?

    The second and third paragraphs are less satisfying to me personally, but I'd keep reading on the strength of the first.
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    This first page does a great job of creating tension. Another vehicle approaching from a distance in Chile? Not so disturbing. But on Mars?! It's got me hyped.

    30 readers, Austin?! Wow! That's impressive!
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    Well, he immediately sets up a fascinating science fiction scenario. Right away. I mean, who doesn't want to find out what kind of life they have found on Mars?

    And it's Mars. Life on Mars. Taps into the most primitive of Science Fiction scenarios. That's were it all began. Wondering about life on the planets of our solar system, back before we had rovers and other ways of showing how impossible that is.

    And I think he did this with a nice minimal approach. Hardly any words and we're right into the story. We don't have to be told that they have been watching this approaching glint for some time. We get that with the sudden appearance of analysis - Three days tops.

    Honestly, I might be unable to put this down. At LEAST I would skim ahead to see what was up.

    THAT SAID, I really hate that it has come to this. It used to be that a great writer would build to this, and we would be willing to take the journey with him or her. And I still am.

    But I do recognize the skill it takes to do this, and I do recognize how attractive this would be to people who are looking at the bottom line. Will people read this?
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    The line that caught me was:“The glint’s still headed straight for us.”

    Immediate tension. I thought, "Is this good or bad?" It enticed me to read more.

    30 readers IS impressive!
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    At the end of the short paragraph, I'm sitting very still at my computer, holding my breath and leaning forward. That's a very good sign that I'm hooked already!

    Now if I could just find time to read science fiction rather than science, I would be thrilled because this would be great place to start. No, wait, you said a trilogy, right? So I would anxiously go to the library, look up the authors name and read the inside jacket cover to see which book to read first.

    Although at this point in the semester, it's more likely to be in an airport somewhere than a leisurely trip to the public library.

    Great first page!
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    Yes, I agree... the first paragraph is great.

    This was published by Navpress? It feels more literary than the norm. That's encouraging.
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    Hey, you guys really pulled through! Great comments from everyone. Thanks!

    I agree with the concensus that the first paragraph is strong enough for the rest of the page. The threequel reminders continued for a few pages, and then every time we followed up on a new thread from the earlier books.

    I have to say, as I'm finishing the book, it's really cool. If you like SciFi, you need to get it. And, you all know me, I'm a hard sell on this stuff. If I say it's good, I really mean it.
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    Lady Jane, you're right. Nav is doing some good work these days. Heck, they even showed interest in me once upon a time! (Thankfully, they saw the light and went with some good writers.)
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    "I hope you get some blunt criticism because it helps to hear what you all think."

    Really?
    Honest?
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    Marcus, to answer your question, I think that what Boyd does quite well is simply this: he makes me nervous for these astronauts. The setting (Mars, forsaken, dessicated); the situation (a point of light moving toward them on a heretofore lifeless planet); the reaction (consternation, quickened breathing); the limitations (an airtight cylindrical dome). He leaves me wanting more.
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    Thanks for the link luv, Marcus. BTW, the twenty second thing is from CBA literary agent Steve Laube. Since he worked as a bookstore manager for several years before he became an editor and then an agent, he ought to know.
    Camy
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    Bill, that was really gutsy of Boyd, wasn't it? I like your observation, too. We get a strong sense of conflict from the very beginning.

    Camy, you earn every link. I credited you with the idea because I had heard something similar on Writers on Writing, but I couldn't remember which agent said it. Rather than make some unsubstatiated claim about "20 seconds," I just made you the expert and linked to you. Way to pass the buck to Steve Laube. I've heard good things about him.

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