Recently, a friend asked me, “Are you frustrated with God?”
Always. Part of it is a frustration with myself for not having the discipline to listen for him more. But then I think, I am a disciplined listener. I’m good at listening to people (good compared to some, anyway).
But listening to God is different. HE DOESN’T TALK BACK. Not like a regular person. And I get frustrated with that. It’s probably tied up with freewill in some complicated philosophical way, but I just want God to cut through the crap at some point.
I know, he cut through all of the mess in a powerful way when he sent his son 2000 years ago. He still does this through his Word. Through his Holy Spirit.
But darn it. You can’t touch the Holy Spirit! I want to put my hands on it. I want a Holy Spirit hug. A Jesus kiss. I won’t say all of the things I want because they feel a little shocking, suffice it to say I get tired of faith sometimes. I want a real connection with God, but it always eludes me. At night when everyone is asleep, sometimes I’m just a little suspicious that the whole thing is a self-delusion and a scam.
Like my friend said. I’m frustrated. I want agape love, and I don’t know how to find it.
It’s a long dark night, “without light or guide, save that which burn[s] in my heart.” When? When? Will the night ever join Beloved with lover?
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I’ve been slowly working through Dark Night of the Soul, and there have been so many times in my life where I’ve felt this (see also Jeanne Guyon’s writings about it). The yearning is palpable and painful, like being engaged. At the same time, I get a taste of His physical presence through His Body–every time I hug a brother or sister in Christ, I feel Jesus’ arms.
(Side note: This is why, if you only have Christian community through the Internet, you’re missing out.)
Heather Goodman’s last blog post..Creativity in the Sanctuary
Yes, Marus. I think I hear you and have been there countless times myself, as well.
It is so refreshing to experience God’s love in Jesus through others in Jesus. And then we’re to go out and share that same love to all.
This kind of life of sharing God with each other by the Spirit through love and good works and words is so weak in our thinking and practice, in our theology and practice. It’s too much about “me and God”. But that does have its place; but I seem to find more of that through fellowship with others, praying with and for them.
Oh well, just my spiel here. But yes, there are those times when it seems no matter what, that everything is dark and dead. Part of the life of faith, I take it.
Ted Gossard’s last blog post..sons and daughters of encouragement
I do want to add that often I’ve found God reward my attempt, weak though it may be, to draw near to him. Through prayer or being quiet. I get a sense that God is in my life then, that he is with me encouraging me onward.
But yes, there is plenty of crap God needs to cut through in our lives. I want him to, but it’s not easy. We seem to have a built-in resistance to it because change and God’s working in our lives seems distant or forboding. Though as soon as we experience any of that, we find it pleasant. Though I wonder if alot of God’s work in our lives really seems unpleasant to us at certain junctures.
Ted Gossard’s last blog post..sons and daughters of encouragement
It reminds me of Bartimaeus by the side of the road shouting at Jesus.
It’s not like Jesus was looking for Bartimaeus. He most probably would have passed him right by.
Jesus stopped because Bartimaeus yelled.
Keep yelling, Marcus. Insist that God meet you.
And don’t let the crowds silence you if anyone dares suggest that trusting God should more dignified.
Thanks for the post!
Karl Edwards’s last blog post..Listen In -> Strategic Planning #1: The Tennis Player’s Stance
I’m totally there with you, Marcus. I appreciate your vulnerability, too. I love what Karl says: Insist that God meet you. And I agree with Ted, too, that He always rewards my attempt (even though sometimes it is not in a way I immediately recognize).
spaghettipie’s last blog post..A Little Advice on Giving Advice
@Heather, I find that I return to St. John over and over and over. Some people have the spiritual gift of encouragement. Sometimes I think I have the gift of melancholy.
So true about needing Christian community with some flesh.
@Ted, it’s good to reconnect. You may be right that I’ve gotten sidetracked in my thinking. Perhaps “sharing God with each other” is a better way to find God–in my peripheral experience, almost. I also like the way you recast my title here. The crap is in my life and perspective–not in God’s coyness.
@Karl, good to see you here. I gave away my dignity a long long time ago. I seem to remember exchanging it for an orange.
@spaghettipie, thanks. After I posted this, I worried that it was a big mistake. I still worry that. But honest mistakes are the only kind of honesty I know sometimes.
A melancholy orange. Now there’s a picture.
I like that you have the gift of melancholy. It speaks to other melancholy souls. A nice, round orange gift of honesty, longing and (oddly) hope.
L.L. Barkat’s last blog post..Re-entry
Mark,
I’ve had my own long, dark night of the soul. More than once (probably because I’m older than you.)
I’ve had times when I cried out to what felt like a spiritual vacuum. Not like God wasn’t listening or nearby, but almost like He had been stolen from me.
I do believe that this world is infinitely different from the next. That we will never again have to endure separation from our Beloved. But I also believe there’s a reason for our days of shadow. Faith is built in the quiet recesses of the valley, not on the bright shining mountaintop. I want to live on the mountaintop, an inch from the face of God, filled with joy and spiritual blessings. But I fear my roots would be too shallow.
I hate those dark nights, weeks, months. But I honestly don’t think God likes them either. I think He would rather reveal Himself to us, take us on His lap and hold us. I think those dark times are painful for Him too. He may sit, just on the other side of a tissue-thin veil, listening for our voice to speak His name, just one more time.
We are like toddlers, learning to walk without holding onto anything. It’s scary and daunting and it seems like everyone else already knows how to do it.
But it’s not true. We all have to learn to walk by faith. It’s part of the deeper walk, part of the higher calling (no pun intended). I believe that those who struggle with this are most likely right on the brink of something unbelievably monumental. That it’s one part spiritual growth and one part spiritual warfare. That at that same moment that God pulls back into the shadows, the shadows come to life and attack.
I think this is why God gave us knees. That’s where our fiercest battles are fought. And won.
I wish I could hear His voice, see His face, feel His arms around me, too. But I am so glad that He sent His Holy Spirit to live inside me.
I appreciate your honesty, Mark. I will be praying that your dark night lifts.
Blessings,
Merrie Destefano’s last blog post..The Price of Freedom
Mark, I’m glad you posted this.
But here’s the thing (and if I’m off base, I sincerely apologize. I don’t mean to chastise you for my sins). Looking for the Holy hug or a Jesus kiss is not the same thing as looking for God.
To put it another way, the joy that results from a relationship is not the same thing as the relationship, and it seems to me, you’re looking for the joy, not the relationship. I’ve been there, done that, so what you’re saying sounds familiar. Again, if I’m misreading you, please forgive me.
Actually the topic reminds me of C.S. Lewis’s Surprised by Joy, his testimony of coming to faith in Christ.
So you want to have a deeper, more intimate relationship with God? It’s the very thing He wants from us, too; in praying for such you can be sure you are praying according to His will.
If I might be so bold, right now I’m reading through the book of John and noting the names (or roles) ascribed to Jesus (Light of the World, Word, Living Water, Bread of Life, and so on). Those provide great points of meditation and prayer.
And BTW, I’m in a “melancholy” place right now, too, but today when I considered Jesus as the I AM, the One I want to write about, to illumine, and when I considered that I don’t need to do that apart from Him but through Him, the work that had seemed so crushing took on a new perspective.
May God meet you where you are.
Becky
Rebecca LuElla Miller’s last blog post..Thinking Out Loud – Theology in Fiction
@LL, thanks for picking up on my attempt to lighten things up here.
@Merrie, I hear you. As trite as it sounds, I’m sure I don’t get on my knees enough.
@Becky, I hear you, too. Thanks.
Honest and straight. Yeah. me too.
real live preacher’s last blog post..Looking Carefull at Ourselves
Marcus
Thanks for your honest post. Two things come to mind –
1. I think every christian has experienced something like that at some point…and the honest doubts that creep into our minds. In fact, the apostle Paul said something like this – if for this life only, we have hope in Christ, we are of all men to be pitied. In other words, living for Christ means entrusting all to him in such a way that if we’re wrong about it – we’re indeed fools.
2. A Holy Spirit hug? Here’s God’s answer to that – the Church. In his wisdom, God has designated his church to do exactly that – to provide flesh and blood community to dispense hugs, offer encouraging words, share meals, etc… May He give you the hugs you need, when you need them
Oh, me too. Me too. I’ll even provide the scissors.
Hmm. Perhaps God would appreciate it if I spelled my own name correctly.
RLP, I learned honesty from the best, man. Thanks for being a good friend.
ESI, I understand the things you’re saying with my head. And yet sometimes it just leaves me feeling empty, you know? We’re very active our church for exactly the reasons you mention. And I love the people there. But sometimes… empty.
Christa, great comment! What would God scissors look like, I wonder? What wonderful–and horrible things he could cut with them…
I’m really frustrated with God, a lot, and I was just writing about it, and I definitely came to the conclusion that I’m frustrated because I don’t feel him enough. I wrote that I don’t know where he is, and I guess it’s because we are accustomed to feeling our father’s arms, or our friends or just like you said, audibly hearing people talk back. But I think we forget how lucky we are that we live in a time when God is not a distant father in Heaven or even a person standing next to us, but He’s the Holy Spirit that lives inside us all the time! I think the things of the world hide that from us a lot. And we can see the effects of the Holy Spirit in people’s lives, which I always remember when I start think he could be a scam.
Thanks for posting this. It really spoke to me and made me think.
I’m really frustrated with God, a lot, and I was just writing about it, and I definitely came to the conclusion that I’m frustrated because I don’t feel him enough. I wrote that I don’t know where he is, and I guess it’s because we are accustomed to feeling our father’s arms, or our friends or just like you said, audibly hearing people talk back. But I think we forget how lucky we are that we live in a time when God is not a distant father in Heaven or even a person standing next to us, but He’s the Holy Spirit that lives inside us all the time! I think the things of the world hide that from us a lot. And we can see the effects of the Holy Spirit in people’s lives, which I always remember when I start think he could be a scam.
Thanks for posting this. It really spoke to me and made me think.
brave desire
he may start cutting through
hang on to your hat
nancy’s last blog post..site seeing in blogville ~ sunshine
Nancy, he “may”? Let’s hope.
Hi Marcus. Most authentic post of yours that I’ve had the opportunity to read. Thank you for giving us a glimpse inside. I find that when I am most frustrated with God, real, true worship helps. With the Holy Spirit moving through the music, I usually end up broken. Then I’m able to talk past the this, and the that, with God and finally get to the real problem/fear/worry that has blocked my view of Him. So often, when I finally get to the truth, His voice resonates back to me that He’s there, and that He hears me.
BTW, I agree wholeheartedly with Nancy.
a.anjeanette’s last blog post..3 More Quick Things
I had a friend who was a pastor of a church who said “I’m sick of all the crap that Satan keeps throwing at us”
He had several older members who met with him in deep anguish over his usage of the word ‘crap’
Now I guess I’ll actually read your post. :0
David Rupert’s last blog post..Spit on my eyes – Part 1
I can understand why there are so many comments on this post! And I’m there with you!
Hey, Marcus! I’m catching up on all of your blog that I missed the past few weeks while trying to keep up with life here. THANK YOU for this post!! It’s so encouraging to know I’m not the only one! Whenever I feel this way I force myself to remember the blessings we’ll receive for believing without seeing; for knowing without feeling it. And then I think about the day we WILL feel that much needed hug, the all encompassing embrace of Christ with His breath on my face, my being swallowed in His perfect, warm light. Be encouraged, my friend. Your courage to be authentic emboldens others. And none of us are alone in our thoughts.
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