This next one is hard for me. It’s so honest. So raw. And such a completely true feeling for writers and editors everywhere.Â
2. How do I “sell” myself when I feel like a failure—but a failure who could stop being one?
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Just because you fail doesn’t mean you are a failure. Those are two incredibly different things. A failure is someone who stops trying. As long as you commit to continue to try, you aren’t a failure.
For example, do you know how many books I’ve published? None.
Do you know how many I’ve written. Um, two. And they suck. But I had to write them and fail before I could move on to the next step. Now that I’ve failed in those specific and rather dramatic ways, I know what not to do.
Figuring out what to do is a little harder, but I’m working on it.
Every failure is a just an experiment that didn’t turn out the way I expected. I shouldn’t give up on the goal! I shouldn’t even call it failure really. It’s a hypothesis that had a different result. It’s a movie with a surprise ending. But I get to run more tests. I get to revise my hypothesis. I get to rent the sequel. Or write it!
The concept of selling yourself is one that I find a little problematic. First off, it’s a prostitution metaphor. That’s not healthy!Â
And the concept of sales will never play well in a focus group. No one likes to be sold anything. In fact, no one likes a salesman. We think of Willy Lowman in Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman. Or the edgy, desperate salesmen in David Mamet’s Glen Gary Glen Ross. (Great play/movie to study dialogue by the way. Bad language, though. Horrendously bad. Try Mamet’s The Spanish Prisoner for some PG dialogue.)
So, anyway, I don’t sell myself. And I don’t sell my services.
I do give myself permission to be honest and excited about my passions, though. If I love something, I let everyone know. And if the thing I love also happens to generate some income for me… well, there is nothing at all in the world wrong with that. Nothing. We live in a capitalistic society. We tend to show value and love through money. It is perfectly acceptable to let people show they value me by giving me their money.
This is a concept I believe strongly… in the abstract.
In practice, though, I have hang-ups about money. I always try to err on the side of being conservative. I’m not out to become Donald Trump. Or even Howard Butt. But I don’t think it is unreasonable to hope for some financial flexibility in my family’s budget. I admit, I can get pretty down about money sometimes. Every one of my siblings makes more money than I do. That can be a little frustrating. And it doesn’t help that I feel shallow for comparing myself with them in the first place.
One more thing. If we aren’t failing, we aren’t really trying. The bigger our ambitions and the bigger our dreams, the bigger our failures will be. But we have to keep trying. Keep dreaming. Keep adapting and learning from each failure. Eventually, the tide will turn. It may not turn in exactly the way we expect.
But it will turn.
8 comments ↓
Yes, but remember that we can have a totally open and fun conversation with you (ask Amy what I mean… about awkward conversations with people in certain professions. I think she’ll remember.) So, it’s good that you don’t make as much money. You can have a better time at parties.
I have never written a book that sucked. But that’s because…
(changing the subject)
I have a different perspective on the selling thing. I don’t like to be clerked. I want someone to tell me why I would need one thing and not the other. When I am struggling over whether to pry my wallet open, I want someone to make me feel good about what I am doing, like the purchase is the most wise and noble thing I did all day.
Likewise, in an interview, I am not there to simply relate historical facts like Mr. Spock. I want the interviewer to be wowed, to remember me, to feel like they are going to do whatever it takes to add me to their list of employees or whatever I’m interviewing for.
In other words… I like SELLING. And it’s good. Selling is bad or cheap if someone is dishonest or does a lousy job at it.
Until one learns how to do the Jedi mind trick, selling is the best tool to convince people of all kinds of things, including publishing your book… even if they don’t like to refer to it as “selling.”
Oh, welcome back Mark!
Okay, I’ll stop now.
Craver, I like selling too. The problem isn’t that the activity is bad… the concept just has a lot of baggage. That’s why I talk about just being excited about our passions–and not being afraid to let people pay us for what we can do.
But like I said. I have a lot of hangups about money.
It’s good to be back, by the way!
Glad you’re back too!
I liken the whole failure issue to Peter walking on the water. Many say he failed when he looked at the stormy waves around him. But he was the only one brave enough to get out of the boat.
I like the combination of the Craver/Marcus points of view on selling. It seems to round things out pretty well. Now if I could just figure out what that looks like in real life . . .
I’m not a salesperson but “selling” is an honorable occupation. (I can’t believe I just said that!)
We sell more often than we think - whenever we promote an idea, enlist help from others or when we’re passionate about a cause we want others to support. But I think there’s a right way to think about it. I agree about your advice to not frame it as “selling ourselves”. It’s not helpful.
I love your advice to your friend about not labeling himself as a failure.
A little late to the game, but wanted to comment.
Eve, I like your comment about Peter.
It also made me consider why we so often begin to consider ourselves as failures? It’s like we wrap our identity up so tightly in what we do, that when it doesn’t work out we take it so personally…taking on the failed attempt as a personal attribute.
And re: the selling thoughts. For me, it has something to do with perceived motive. As you mention Mark, if someone is trying to convince me to buy a product because he or she is passionate about the product, I don’t mind it so much (as long as it doesn’t turn pushy). But if I sense that someone doesn’t care about my welfare (to put it broadly) and is just trying to make a buck, it becomes more annoying.
“taking on the failed attempt as a personal attribute.” It’s true. I think that’s what happens much of the time. Good to point out.