High Calling Bloggers, Rob and David have a very moving post over at Red Letter Believers about two recent shootings in Colorado. At the end of the post, they ask if the YWAM director extends forgiveness too quickly. My response here began as a comment that quickly turned into this post.
Can people forgive too quickly? What a question! Of course, we can’t answer that question in this specific context without questioning the director’s motives–his relationship to the victims, his relationship to the victims’ family. But that doesn’t make the underlying question any less valid: Can a person ever be too quick to forgive?
I found myself thinking about Howard Butt. More than anyone in the past several years, he has influenced the way I think about theology, ecclessiology, even eschatology. In particular, he has some good things to say about trust and forgiveness in his book Who Can You Trust? He says,
It’s not fully accurate to say, ‘Jesus trusts people.’ More accurately,<i> Jesus trusted God</i> in people.’
Of course, Howard is talking about trust, not forgiveness. We should always forgive others. Always. But that doesn’t mean we suddenly become stupid. We don’t invite convicted murderers over to babysit our children, for example.
We forgive, yes. But how do we interact with people who have breached our trust in such horrible ways? Howard says, “On one hand, we need to learn to trust. On the other, we need to use wisdom and discernment. Arriving at the proper equilibrium can feel like shooting at a moving target.”
Finally, Howard talks about the problem of simply walking away. I think that’s what Red Letter Believers mean when they ask if the forgiveness was too quick. Are people cheapening the crime or somehow enabling the criminal with cheap forgiveness. Can forgiveness become something more like denial? Can we in fact, avoid forgiveness by doing this easier job of just pretending the problem doesn’t exist, the betrayal never occurred, and sin really doesn’t matter that much after all. (I’m reminded of last week’s radio show from This American Life.)
In church language, we have a theological phrase that addresses this idea: Cheap Grace.
As I said earlier, I don’t mean to question the motives of YWAM. My heart goes out to those people. God help them deal with their grief and find the peace which passes understanding.
Still, Rob and David asked the question. Can we be too quick to forgive?
Howard says,
It may be easier to walk away–heedlessly–from a betrayal situation, but, as we’ve learned, it may not be best for our future. Refusing to deal honestly with our own inner rage and our need to forgive the people who failed us can have heartbreaking consequences.
You see? We can never be too quick to forgive. Never. But we can be too quick to stifle our feelings, to stick on emotional band-aids and pretend that we’ve done the serious business of forgiveness.
Again, God help the people in Colorado. God help the victims of senseless violent crimes the world over.
{ 14 comments }
I lost a job last year in a pretty suspect manner. One of my employers was a Christian.
I forgave them quickly. I continue to forgive them quickly whenever I have hard feelings about what happened (which left me out of work for 4 months and may have damaged my professional reputation). Was my first forgiveness inadequate, since I had hard feeligns again? I don’t think so. However, it is human to feel angry over being wronged, and sometimes new things come to life.
What happened in Colorado was so much worse than anything I’ve gone through. I’m sure the director will go through a storm of emotions, up and down over and over. But we can establish the direction we’re going to go at the start, to make for an easier time staying the path. If he starts with forgiveness, how does that compare with starting with anger, rage, bitterness, and things that are much more harmful – and harder to deal with after the fact.
As with you, my prayers are going out to these folks in Colorado right now.
Thanks for the Red Letter Believers mention. I live just a few miles from all of this and it has shaken many in the local Christian community. Its really easy to forgive someone for a crime — until it hits you personally.
I think it is easy to forgive an unknown assailant — but when you put a face and a name behind the perpetrator, then the anger and vengance can begin to grow.
So — as the YWAM director did — we should forgive first, and ask questions later. And if it’s ’stupid’, I’ll let God sort that out.
(By the way — the New Life Church killer is a homeschooler — and could be one of our own.)
David Rupert
http://WWW.REDLETTERBELIEVERS.BLOGSPOT.COM
Forgiveness is the only remaining option when there are no excuses on offer.
It is probably more a gift we give to ourselves than anything we’re giving to anyone who’s wronged us. We can move on, deprive the “crime” and the perpetrators of the on-going power over us that anger and bitterness can sow into our souls.
Forgiveness as means to “make nice” in a shattered relationship cruelly transforms the victim of the original wrong into the new criminal when they cannot or will not extend forgiveness. This is truly the gospel turned upside down.
Jason, I’m a lot like you about forgiveness. I forgive people, but then I have to forgive them again and again. Or maybe I’m just tempted to be resentful, I don’t know. Either way, forgiveness is not a one time decision that suddenly makes all of the pain go away.
David, you guys do awesome work over on your site. I really enjoy reading it now that we are sorting out our RSS feeds for the network. I hope I didn’t sound like I was attacking you or your position in this post!
I absolutely think the YWAM guy made the right decision! What else could he do? But the question you asked, if we can somehow strip it away from this context, is a frighteningly honest and important question. What does authentic forgiveness look like? That I don’t know.
I certainly didn’t mean to suggest anybody was stupid. That was just an indirect quote from the book taken out of context. Oy. Bad literary criticism on my part.
Marcus
I know you didnt attack, so no need to apologize. But I already forgave you
!
The bigger concept of this issue is what we hold on to. That’s the “stupid” here. I hold on to wrongs from years gone by, to idle remarks, to relationships gone idle. I hold on to the hurt and the pain and wounds that have long since mended.
I need to forgive — at the beginning. And then I need to remind myself that I have already given it up. The forgiveness needs to be genuine — good reminder Karl — that it should not be to just ‘make nice.’
Prayers for the YWAM staff who will grapple with the after affects of this for years.
I hope it will draw many more to their awesome work. Some meant it for evil, but God used it for good!
I have had to forgive a lot over the last 18 months. I to lost a job at a reputable Christian organization in a very suspect manner. Then Ted Haggard (I attend new life) and now the shooting. I forgive continually because forgiveness is a process. It takes time.
We think it is suspect to forgive so quickly because we think that if we have not forgiven we are in the diametrically opposed position of hating them. That is not the case.
Thanks for all the prayers and support for my beloved church.
I think of Jesus hanging on the cross saying, “Father, forgive them.” He forgave in the midst of the act.
I think about the Amish shooting last year, and how the people there genuinely LIVED forgiveness, blessing the family of the shooter specifically. That is the power of the gospel. And the world actually dropped its cynicism for a time and noticed.
check out http://www.redletterbelievers.blogspot.com to read about the story of Jeanne Assam — who was the security guard at New life and stopped this killer.
Her press conference as amazing — “It was God working through my weakness.”
Your post really resonates with me as I am in the processing of working my way through Nancy Leigh DeMoss’ book, Choosing Forgiveness. You ask if a person can be too quick to forgive. But really, more often, aren’t we too incredibly slow to forgive? Sure we can extend forgiveness verbally faster than our emotions can process the grief and the hurt. But is that such a bad thing? Taking a stance of forgiveness before reality hits sets us up to receive the grace we need to continue to forgive when the pain sets in. The normal pattern of waiting to process the emotions before forgiving opens us up to bitterness.
Just my two cents.
Thanks, Marcus, for bringing up these issues.
Forgiveness is such an important topic, as all of us (a) need it, and (b) need to give it. Our freedom from the past depends upon both and the chains of unforgiveness are very cruel.
It is hard to fathom the hurt and pain that the friends and families of the victims and perpetrator are going through. Puts my own problems into perspective and shows what they really are–very simple.
My prayers are with them.
Thank you all for these wonderful comments.
I especially appreciate AMM’s idea that we use the words of forgiveness on faith that we will be able to find deeper forgiveness. Saying we forgive someone becomes an act of commitment to do so. I like that.
All very interesting thoughts. I’ve been struggling with the whole concept of forgiveness, from definition to the execution. It’s a mystery to me. I want to solve it and understand, but am afraid of what the resolution will require of me. I’ve had DeMoss’s book (mentioned above by AMM) on my dresser for a couple months. Guess I should crack the cover.
Mark,
Heather took the words right out of my mouth: If Christ could forgive those who crucified Him while He still hung on the cross, we can never, ever forgive too soon. However, as you’ve stated, we can’t stop there; we must then engage in the serious business of dealing with the underlying feelings engendered by the sin, hurt, or crime that’s been committed against us.
I would suggest that, just as is the case in the Christian life, forgiveness is not the end; it’s only the beginning.
Jeanne
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