On Friday, I spent an hour on the phone with one of my personal heroes, Parker Palmer. I was interviewing him for TheHighCalling.org.
To be honest, the experience left me feeling a little shaken. Much of Palmer’s writing has been very influential to me, but none more so than The Courage to Teach. In the mid point of my ten years of teaching, this book helped me find hope again.
The gist of the book is relatively simple: “Good teaching comes from identity, not technique.” As a teacher, that meant that I didn’t need to look for the magical classroom management strategy or the perfect method of teaching grammar and usage or even a classical cannon of important literature and poetry.
Instead, I should simply bring myself to my students every day—with integrity and focus and honesty and purpose. Not in some touchy-feely way that allowed my students to sit in English every day without learning a lick of English. But also not with some rigid prescribed method that pretended to leave no child left behind.
Those of you who know me well, know this. I have the heart of a teacher. I think I always will. But I couldn’t survive in the culture. Or at least I needed a break.
Talking to Parker Palmer on Friday, my heart yearned to teach again. For years, I took my identity to the classroom. I gave myself to teaching as best I could.
When I left teaching, I felt a little lost.
All my adult life, I had been Mr. Goodyear. I was a teacher. At Disney World, I paid some ridiculous sum to have “Mr. Goodyear” embroidered on the back of my mouse ears. My office is still filled with memorabilia from my decade of teaching. My statue of sinners in the hands of an angry God. Letters and cards from students. Notes. Pictures. Apples. Gifts. On my right computer speaker is a tiny pewter Moby Dick so I can randomly shout, “Thar she blows! A hump like a snowhill!” On my window sill is the Civil War Rifle Pen that I used to remind creative writing students that the pen is mightier than the firearm.
I still have the heart of a teacher. In good times, I feel like that heart makes me a better editor. Other times, I feel like I’ve lost my students and my classroom. And if I’m really honest during those times, I’m afraid I may have even lost myself.
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Man, I didn’t know this about you. You might have told me in one of our conversations, but it didn’t stick as being such a huge event in your life.
My friend Milton is the same way. He taught in inner city Boston for a number of years. He was imagining Dead Poet’s Society. It didn’t turn out that way. Not only were the kids much harder than he had imagined, the bureaucracy ate him alive. Many things that he could have done – wanted to do – to help, the teacher’s union or some obscure rule prevented.
He’s now a chef.
The heart of a teacher is never quenched, I think. Though sometimes we find ourselves in new places. Have I ever told you that verse that came to me tenderly, as I was in the middle of writing the book… and crying out, “I can’t do this!”? …
“The Lord God has given me the tongue of a teacher, to know how to sustain the weary with a word…” Isaiah 50:4. If you want to go back to teaching, it’s something to consider. Or you might just consider sustaining the weary with a word, wherever you are, whatever you do.
I think this feeling “lost” is part of living here when our home is elsewhere. We’re never fully contented or at rest because this isn’t where we’re meant to be. We are forced to remember God. Everytime I feel lost, wondering what I’m doing or who I am, I remember I don’t need me — just God. When I’m seeking Him, the rest falls into place. I’m only there for the ride, needing no definition whatsoever.
Marcus, I agree with L. L.—the heart of a teacher is never quenched. I think you teach here on your blog, which is one reason, I suppose, I keep coming back.
I didn’t realize you too were a teaching vet. My stint was for 30 years. Talk about defining yourself as a teacher!
Oddly enough I don’t yearn for the classroom. Thought I might. I think God used that as one way to confirm for me that writing is what I’m to be doing right now.
Becky
This was a good post, and though I hesitate to destroy the somewhat wistful tone, I just have to ask:
Do you really have 10-year-old apples hanging around?
Mark,
Thanks for an honest and touching story. Having worked as a tutor over the summer, I can relate to your feelings. Teaching others is an awesome responsibility, and while your job may be to impart knowledge, the most important thing you give your students is yourself. And looking back on it after the fact, you realize how much you miss that connection, because, truth be told, it was very rewarding.
Thanks for the comments y’all.
I have to confess the “wistful tone” was completely intentional. I feel that way sometimes, but I love my current job. I don’t plan on returning to the public schools for the foreseeable future.
I love teaching, and like Becky said, I consciously try to teach through my blog and my editing. (It feels a little arrogant to adopt that role, though.)
What I miss sometimes is the between class time. When students would come up to my desk and just chat about their lives. I loved that. I loved their openness and honesty and vulnerability. And I loved meeting them in that place and doing my best to honor them for who they were. For all of these reasons, my wife and I are now teaching in the youth group at our church. It gives me a way to interact with students, without being completely overwhelmed by the institution of a public high school.
And, Jenn, I really do have old apples. But they aren’t real apples. They are paperweights. : )
Boy, thanks for sharing this, Marcus. Great post, one that I’m sure to remember for a while.
Sounds like you are a real teacher at heart. I can hear your longing for teaching through your post…you really do miss it.
Perhaps God has something for you in the future. That’s the joy of walking this adventure with God we call life – you never know where he’ll take you next.
Until then, we’re benefiting from your writing and editing know-how.
Mark,
I know that feelin-the feeling of maybe you’ve lost yourself along the way .
I think that’s how we can identify a calling.
And if we keep coming to be taught by you, how can you feel arrogant about that?
I’m gearing up for another school year-as a home educator for my three little monkeys.
Your blog is almost too full of interesting stuff. I came across it by way of Googling the name of someone who gave me huge encouragement in regard to something I was writing a few years ago. That project was displaced by other commitments, but I’m trying to pick it back up. I was wondering about that encourager, and this was one of the few places he’s mentioned. Huh.
Oh, and the teaching thing? My teachers were very important to me, and I can still recall specific things I learned from almost every one of them. That’s why I am rewarded when I have influential contact with young people now (even though I’m not a teacher, per se.)
Do you teach at your church, Marcus? I just signed up today for another year with the 4th & 5th graders.
Ah, chalk in my hand, pacing between the students, catching the look in their eyes that tells me they’ve grasped the concept… this is the life!
Marcus, I can see that in you in your blogging; clear as day. I think I most definitely have the same thing in my own unique, simple way. I enjoy trying to share and enjoy truth and the experience of life with others. What a blast it can be, as well as challenging, which after all, life is.
Parker Palmer, yes he is interesting. I like much of what I remember about him. Think he was on “Speaking of Faith” one time, as well.
At the moment I am attending Salem State College as a double major Education/Music. At the start of my Junior Methods Block in Education as my primary major I'm already completely and utterly overwhelmed! This is certainly an understatement. During my schooling at SSC, I have frequently felt weary, lost and nervous, about being a teacher, but somehow I have repetitively convinced myself otherwise that it's fine and that it's just healthy nerves and this is what I'm meant to do now.
My entire life I have been passionate about two main things: God and Music, particularly singing. In fact, I love singing so much I've felt spirit-led to serve others by sharing my God-given gift with the world. Upon entering SSC, I have been working on entering the education teaching field only to enter Music teaching for elementary students soon after in the future. However, it's quite a long and daunting process so far that continues to exhaust and fill me with despair. I have prayed about this many times and now after reading thoughts on this blog, I am beginning to find that perhaps I am going about entering a teaching career for the wrong purposes (because people say I should be a teacher since I'm good at it -Sunday School teaching). I love the idea of teaching, but at this point in time I think that maybe God brought me to SSC and allowed me to come somewhat far in the process to show me His will for my life and what I should be doing with it -Singing and Writing and Teaching Sunday School.
Although, I'm not making any money for anything I do in life right now, I somehow still can't imagine teaching in the public schools and losing conception of myself as a musician/singer and God-driven. It's seems odd that I'm an Education major with a double major in music, but yet am unable to clearly envision myself as a teacher in the field. Not to mention, the thought of devoting practically every waking hour to planning and preparing lesson plans, staying 3-4 hours after the official school bells sounds to organize and set up for the next day's schedule, grading papers till 2 in the morning and so forth does not exactly thrill me, to say the least. I love working with children, especially when I'm teaching Sunday School, but now I am wondering if I'm too far in over my head with the major (s). I would like to have a job (career) that pays enough to pay the bills and make some sort of a pretty good living, but I don't know if I am willing to sacrifice my identity as a "singer" and "musician". It's a decision that I know will have a dramatic effect on me and my life, as well as those around me. After reading these comments above, though, I can honestly say one thing; I definitely have a yearning for music that extends beyond my own mind and spirit's understanding. Although, as an experienced musician and singer I receive no financial income at the moment, I am definitely more content, confident and feel freer than ever when I'm on stage or in front of an audience, singing my heart out for all to be inspired to enjoy. However, the very thought of teaching completely diverse general curriculum subjects overwhelms me, since I do not feel excited to do so, just the music component. Another thing, is the Massachusetts MTEL tests, which I have taken components and failed each on the first try, only to finally pass one so far and come so close to receiving passing scores on other components. These tests are not cheap and have honestly been completely draining me emotionally, financially, physically, mentally, and spiritually, to say the least. These past two days, despite being in the midst of all this confusion in the direction I should go with teaching and all it's challenges, I am just now beginning to see the light (per se) as to what I am truly passionate about and where my heart that has been neglected for some time really is and always will be. Please won't you send me a comment as to what I should do in terms of getting out of what I started some time ago and how to go about doing what I love and making some sort of financial income to support myself. Thank you for reading this so much. I guess I just needed to write how I felt about all the stuff that's going on in my head and all. God bless you all for all your sharing of comments on teaching!!!! Good Faith Always
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