Recently, a friend asked me, “Are you frustrated with God?”

Always. Part of it is a frustration with myself for not having the discipline to listen for him more. But then I think, I am a disciplined listener. I’m good at listening to people (good compared to some, anyway).

But listening to God is different. HE DOESN’T TALK BACK. Not like a regular person. And I get frustrated with that. It’s probably tied up with freewill in some complicated philosophical way, but I just want God to cut through the crap at some point.

I know, he cut through all of the mess in a powerful way when he sent his son 2000 years ago. He still does this through his Word. Through his Holy Spirit.

But darn it. You can’t touch the Holy Spirit! I want to put my hands on it. I want a Holy Spirit hug. A Jesus kiss. I won’t say all of the things I want because they feel a little shocking, suffice it to say I get tired of faith sometimes. I want a real connection with God, but it always eludes me. At night when everyone is asleep, sometimes I’m just a little suspicious that the whole thing is a self-delusion and a scam.

Like my friend said. I’m frustrated. I want agape love, and I don’t know how to find it.

It’s a long dark night, “without light or guide, save that which burn[s] in my heart.” When? When? Will the night ever join Beloved with lover?